I started putting together my Nexersys system yesterday. If you could have been in my garage to see some of that you would have died laughing. Suffice it to say, I hope to have it all put together by this week so I can start kicking and punching it a LOT.
It's Sunday. And I had to blog- because, yes, I want to get back into my daily blogging habit for accountability. It matters. But also because I had to tell you, EVERY LITTLE BIT COUNTS. If you've been reading my blog for a while, especially the 2010-2011 years, you'll know I've been (not now but then) in this panicked state of freaking out about my body changing, my metabolism, my hormones-- whatever you want to call it-- but all that STUFF that happened when I was gifted with early perimenopause at age 40. I became hot all the time, I got this ridiculous skin condition that continued to worsen each week and nothing would eradicate it, I gained weight- and in places I'd never gained it before. Suddenly sleep was not my BFF. And I spent the better part of 2 years trying everything but sticking to nothing in an attempt to overnight- reverse all of this "damage".
Now, instead of paddling upstream with no focus, I have CALMED down. I've stopped beating myself up every day and cursing myself in the mirror. I've finally begun to embrace the journey- to enjoy everything I love about getting fit and healthy, without needing it to create immediate results.
And guess what-- without trying -- I suddenly have changed into someone that goes for a run and doesn't worry the whole time if my sports bra is too tight and someone behind me might be laughing at me thinking "Why is SHE running? What a moron! Her sports bra is so tight, she must be kidding herself." (Yes this is absolutely RIDICULOUS thinking but I'd be lying if I told you I didn't have these absurdly paranoid, insecure thoughts a LOT in the past) I never understood people who said that they worked out and then noticed later that they'd lost weight or inches-- because I thought, "how can you not observe yourself every day and pick yourself apart to see if that hour in the gym made a difference?" THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY MINDSET BUT IT WAS MINE. Now, I'm finally that person that suddenly looks in the mirror as I walk by and says, "holy crap! I can't believe how much fat I've lost and wow, my hamstrings are starting to pop!".
Now when I run, I'm paying more attention to what I can do-- how far I can go or how much I can just OWN IT with sprint/hill intervals. And I feel amazing afterwords and I am not thinking "I hope I lost a pound today". I'm proud of my WORK.
Now when I eat, I'm satisfied with LESS, and I'm not trying to convince myself to do so - it just is. When I "indulge" or "cheat" - whatever you want to call it, if I took my mom to lunch after the hospital visit this week and we ordered Reuban sandwiches and I had some with the pumpernickel bread and some steak fries-- I'm not bingeing. I'm not eating in secret. I'm not forking in the entire plate because "Oh crap this is BAD food and I need to be really strict tomorrow to make up for this so I better enjoy this all now....." NO. I have what I want. I enjoy it. And I let my mom take my 1/2 sandwich home to my dad. So I had some french fries. Big deal. So I had some bread. Big deal.
I'm still losing weight.
In fact, QUITE OFTEN now, I'm sitting at my desk and I can FEEL my tummy pudge~ that annoying tummy fat that I never had my whole life until age 40-- it's getting smaller every dang day. I keep looking at my legs, and -- I have great calves. Seriously, I've always loved my calves and ankles-- my calf muscles are so developed I often can't wear knee-high boots because they don't zip over my calves. I have small ankles. But I have very muscular thighs and I have always carried fat on my thighs. Although I will never have skinny upper legs, I know I can lose that fat and build up my quads and hamstrings. And every week I find myself looking at my legs for the first time in years going "Oh my GOSH I am losing FAT here...."
Another thing. I'm working out for ME. I run, but hey- I don't really want to do 1/2 marathons and marathons. I love to run and do all kinds of hills and sprints and intervals. This is what I LIKE. I love weights and having killer workouts at the gym with my trainer. Haven't done that in a LONG time. I'm going back to it because this is my goal- a strong back like THIS:
I'm not trying to fit into my old XS Ann Taylor tops anymore. I'm fine with the fact that my arms don't fit in clothes designed for Gwenyth Paltrow. I agree that STRONG is the new SEXY. I'm not trying to get rid of my bootie either. And thank you Valerie Waters for making Valslides because incorporating that into my training, I gotta tell you, I have never been more wowed by my butt than after incorporating Val's moves for the bootie. And people don't fear the squats and lunges. I read somewhere that the people that have problems running or with their hips (I could be wrong in paraphrasing here) are those that have weak glutes. Strong legs and glutes-- it's GOOD FOR YOU. And it looks good. Come on. Embrace it. Stop trying to fit into a Size 2 pair of jeans if your butt and legs mean you look better in a 6 or 8.
This is the kind of picture now that makes me SAD:
When I remember how this is what she used to look like:
It feels so much better mentally and physically where I am now and where I'm going. I hope if any of you have had the kind of rampant self-doubt, insecurity, fear and self-loathing invade your life-- you will take steps to snap out of it and move into a healthier mind and body approach. Your whole world will change. ;-)
Gotta go get my outdoor run in today. It's a beautiful day outside so I'll hit Life Time Fitness tomorrow. But for now- OUTSIDE!